Bilbo Baggins for Our Next College President

To:      Presidential Search Committee

From: Scott Silverman, MA/MLS

Subj:   Bilbo Baggins for Our Next College President

I have carefully reviewed the credentials of each of our finalists for appointment to the position of College President effective July 1, and of course interacted with each candidate at our lunch, faculty forums, the dinner with the Board, the coffee with the curriculum committee, the meeting with the Faculty Senate executive group and the beer pong marathon we added as a surprise challenge. My conclusion is that two are clearly wanting. While Professor Drew Gilpin Faust possesses a first-rate mind and would not diminish this institution’s reputation in any respect, I have heard concern from others that going from president to president is prima facie what my children call “totally laterally whack.” But that is not my concern; rather, her experience at Harvard has insufficiently prepared her for the complexities of bringing harmony and consensus to our faculty, staff, students and trustees. As for Dr. Newt Gingrich – yes, his mind is first-rate, past service as Speaker of the House is not an unimpressive job, and his access to Sheldon Adelson could help us one day. But the quality of his novels are in dispute and he is – well – a pompous egomaniac, a role already filled multiple times in this institution.

I think our choice is clear: Mr. Bilbo Baggins ought to be our next president. Now I can anticipate some of your objections:

• Mr. Baggins is yet another white male to occupy the office
• He has no academic credentials
• He has never used a computer
• He admits to selective dissemblance
• He smokes
• Many of the references he provided are in fact not living
• He gave up his most notable asset, the Ring, to another non-college graduate
• He is not even human.

But is it not time for this institution, like Mr. Baggins himself, to take an adventure? And as with Mr. Baggins, to celebrate still our long traditions even while leading us forward? Indeed, anyone with even half a brain must admit none of the complaints so far voiced are with merit:

• He is a member of an underrepresented minority in academe, to wit, the vertically differenced. Also, we cannot identify any active member of the community whose feet are furred
• Many great university executives have lacked scholarly distinction
• Offsetting his dearth of basic 21^st century life skills is his intimacy with Gandalf the Grey and, purportedly, one Elrond Lord of Rivendell, and he is LinkedIn to several illustrious sorceresses, among them Galadriel and Arwen, whoever they are; this wizard and his elfish cohort, potential Board recruits all, have reputations for possessing a collective vision which might transcend transient information technology
• We must admit that selective dissemblance is valuable in a president
• He understands we have banned smoking in all facilities and has hinted he will not object to the proposal before the Senate to ban campus smoking altogether, so long as the presidential hill is exempted
• As for dead references: we have often let the dead influence our better angels (Shakespeare, Margaret Mead, the Missing Link)
• In transferring the Ring to his nephew he demonstrated empathy, confidence in today’s youth, humility and an instinct for jettisoning very mixed blessings while the going was good
• Not human?! – When oh when are we ever going to walk the walk on diversity?

I would be remiss not to point out a few actual qualifications. Mr. Baggins is independently wealthy and has hinted he will work for just a dollar a year and a generous annual allowance for cakes and secure passage through the Misty Mountains. He is accustomed to having his way with difficult characters including but not limited to goblins, spiders, trolls, wolves, dwarves and one dragon. And while I concede that he might have showed greater sensitivity in his interlocution with Mr. Gollum Sméagol, his riddling bona fides suggest a certain cognitive facility and ability to think in the moment.

Finally – he is already several hundred years old, and while in complete control of his faculties will probably not outlast his welcome.